The psychiatrist said "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I've been able to diagnose your problem. You have a split personality."
"What's the bad news?" said the patient.
"I need to bill you twice."
Having schizophrenia sure beats being alone.
If you start thinking that you are a pair of curtains, you either go and consult a psychiatrist or simply pull yourself together.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Why did the psychiatrist make his wife sleep under their bed?
Because she was potty.
A tortoise went to visit a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked, ''What can I do for you?'' ''My problem is that I'm very shy,'' replied the tortoise. ''The psychiatrist said, ''that's easily cured, I'll soon have you out of your shell.''
Psychiatrist: So what's your problem?
Patient: I prefer patterned socks to plain socks. Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer patterned socks to plain socks. I do myself. Patient: So how do you like yours - fried or boiled?
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, ''Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and suprise them when they least expect it.'' As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, ''King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.''
A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he
feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam. The
psychiatrist explains, ''Your problem is obvious, you're two tents.''